As a single man there is nothing more annoying than Thanksgiving. Mom’s home cooking is great but having to go through all those family members just to get it? Here are a few escape routes to leaving after dinner successfully and quickly (with food!)
**This won’t help you if you actually like spending time with your whole family**
Work (for sweet, old Grandma)
This excuse only works on grandma but in order to get most people off your case, grandma has to approve you getting out the house. Grandma loves that her baby works so hard. She wishes you could stay but she understands that work is important. The best thing about grandmothers is that they don’t even need details, just say “I gotta finish up some work and I’ll be back in a little” and you are straight. The best part is Grandma is gonna set you up a plate just in case you don’t get back. In the meantime, you have more family to go through. Now you have to get through that one Uncle, you know, the one that swears he raised you but he was only around because he was just bumming a spare room.
Bribe (for that one Uncle)
That one Uncle is not going to let you leave, work won’t cut it, remember he’s a bum. So this is where you have to take an L. Spoiler alert: you are going to lose $100. For this plan to work, you have to carry exactly 6 visible 20 dollar bills in your wallet. This is what you do, when your Uncle asks you to hold him down, and he will, say “let me see what I got” and give him 5, leaving that lone 20 in your wallet. Then you top it off with “That’s all I got man, I need the 20.” He’s already shocked his nephew gave him 100. He’s straight for the night and he is not going to bother you until Christmas. Now, you have to deal with your own kind: your cousins/siblings.
Darrell FTW! (for the cousins and siblings)
This might seem pretty simple but many have messed up this one up royally and ended up spending Thanksgiving with their annoying cousins and siblings cause their excuses just don’t cut it. Remember this, the reason you are leaving is not for your own enjoyment. Many people think saying “I gotta see a girl tonight” or “I’m tryna watch the game with so and so” will get them a pass but it won’t. You have to be in pain, throw your best friend under the bus for this one. Something like “my buddy Darrell is bored over there at his crib and nobody his age is over there, I’m just gonna stop by for a little and bring him back.” Just like that. You are out.
Now, how are you going to leave when your Mom expects you to stay?
RUN! (Mom will catch you!)
You might think I got some cool excuse for your mom, I don’t. Just leave. No eye contact, nothing. You need to understand there is no excuse that your mother will accept. She knows you very well and she knows that you are a liar. The faster you leave, the better it will be. Stop reading and leave already damn! Remember to get the plate grandma set up for you.
Now that you are successfully out the house, you can go back to your place, your dorm, your buddy’s place, or wherever you are going to play Call of Duty: Black Ops. Happy Thanksgiving!
All Things Thanksgiving: