Like all good artificial intelligence T-Pain has become self-aware. “Teddy Bend Her Ass” knows that Kanye, Lil Wayne and Ron Browz have jacked his whole style to keep their party going. So what does he do for a third act?
“All We Do is perform for kids!” Tell ‘em why you mad son. This is the best and worst of T-Pain. He’ll hit you with a dope punchline like: “The way the beat bump, niggas try to get pro active on me.” Then he follows with a granola bar like “this nigga pocket bigger than santa clause..”
T-Pain’s first of several laments about being the most-imitated artist of 2008. Kind of like Jay-Z’s “Ignorant Shit” Pain wants us to believe that he feeds us bullshit begrudgingly because that’s what we want. “This industry is my circus…I try to stop cursing but I don’t give a fuck…”
Long Lap Dance
The Recession stripper anthem. For them clubs that charge by the song in the V.I.P and be playing half them joints leaving a man’s pockets broke after 5 minutes, (Oh did I say that outloud?) this goes out to you. It’s two-for-ones tonight.
“When I feel like I should quit, I keep going…” Not sure if he’s talking about his career, some chick, or his vocoder but it’skippable either way. Take his advice and keep going when you get to this track.
It Ain’t Me f/T.I.
T.I’s presence on this track is ironic because it’s essentially a middle finger to “You Can Have Whatever You Like.” So unless you’re a stripper or the bartender, all you get from T-Pain is his hard gum and bubble dick.
Change f/ Akon, Mary J. Blige and Diddy
On this remake of Eric Clapton’s “Change The World” guest robot Akon sings: “Race crimes, hate crimes would never exist/ I’ll turn everyone into a hershey’s kisssss and we can eat away our fears…” Fail.
Freeze f/ Chris Brown
T-Pain invites some girl to battle on the dance floor. “Watch me slide on you, watch me ride on ya…” Le sigh…
Blowing Up f/ Ciara
By now I’m getting the idea that T-Pain is really clowning his guests because he’s highlighting just how much these “legit” singers have been altering their voices on their songs, not just him. However, I’m pretty damn sure this song looks better than it sounds. I’ll wait for the video.
Karaoke f/ DJ Khaled
T-Pain gets Khaled to say what he can’t say: He’s fed up with all the “swagger jackers” biting his style, except of course the biggest culprits: Kanye West and Lil Wayne. Which only makes me wonder who the hell is he mad at then? Cuz the rest of the industry is on this CD. Least he finally shouts out Roger Troutman.
Therapy Skit f/ Kanye West
Why is this long ass skit one of the better songs on the album? Kanye’s Midwest drawl is damn near refreshing amidst the constant Twiki from Buck Rogers vocalization. I think he did that shit on purpose. “I’mma make ya’ll beg for me to rap one day, watch.” Mission accomplished.
Can’t Believe It
Chopped N Skrewed f/ Ludacris
Musical technique as metaphor for blowing backs out. Yo, PInfinite. You know we chop up these bitches.
Digital f/ Tay Dizm
T-Pain saying that “we’re going digital” is like Superhead saying “we’re gonna fuck tonight.”
Superstar Lady f/ Young Cash
“She got stomach like Ciara, hair like Beyonce, Gabrielle Union smile, lips like Ashanti…” ok, word. I’m at that photo shoot. Then he says “I’m K-CI and Jojo and she is my Devante…” Damn, so he be jerkin’ her for production credit? Oh well, at least the beat will go nicely before or after the Ghostown DJs “My Boo” in the playlist.
Reality Show f/ Musiq Soulchild, Raheem Devaughn and Jay Lyriq
T-Pain’s flavor of love has turned him into an American Idol that is making bands think they can dance. But in the real world where fear is a factor this man is a survivor.
Verdict: This will be the soundtrack to the drunken, ignorant half of your office Christmas party so make sure you wear clean underwear. There is definitely some fun factor at this circus, just watch where you step. They just fed the Elephants.