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Dear Black Man,

My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, and I am definitely serious about him. But for the past six months I have been checking his text messages.

I have found a few shady messages that he has sent and received but not enough to really confront him about. I do have some questions though. I have tried calling some of the numbers that I found and did not recognize. Most of them  had automatic voicemail. I do not know what I am looking for but I can’t stop looking. I love my boyfriend and I think that I want to marry him. But why cannot I stop? Should I tell him what I have done?

Kylie

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The Black Man:

Hi Kylie,

At this point I think you need to check yourself rather than your boyfriend’s phone. It seems like you have some serious trust issues and/or insecurities in which you should get to the root of. Has someone in the past cheated on you or gave you a valid reason not to trust them? It seems like you have not let go of something that has happened to you in the past. I don’t feel that snooping in people’s personal belongings is appropriate, especially in this case where he has not given you any reason to even question his actions. If you don’t know what you are looking for then why are you looking?

What is probably going to wind up happening is that you are going to misinterpret a message that you find, get mad at him and the conclusion will be that he gets mad you because you were incorrect about what you are accusing him of. He will then come to the conclusion you were snooping.

If you are thinking about marry this guy then you are going to have to be able to trust him. Do you want to be married for 50 plus years and your daily routine is to go through his phone? How does that sound to you? It is not healthy at all.

If there are any issues that you have with him why don’t you ask him first rather than trying to go through other avenues? These actions are detrimental to having a productive, fruitful relationship with someone.

I am not certain what good will come out of telling him that you have been going through his phone except that it may clear up your guilty conscience. If you feel the need to do so, that is your choice and be mindful of how you bring it up. Don’t point the finger at him trying to blame him for the reason why you looked through his phone. Come from a place of taking full accountability on you actions.

I would immediately cease your actions of snooping and communicate with him directly if there are any particular concerns.

Good luck with your relationship.

TBM

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